you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
