She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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