Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
