if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
