Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
