i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If I die, sorry about rent.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
