Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
