Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I have feelings that need drinking.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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