Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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