In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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