So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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