Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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