dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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