Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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