i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
