why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
