it hurts more in the daytime
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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