My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
