Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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