My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
