You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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