I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
