What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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