She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
