I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
