There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
