I heard we made out
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
