I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
