So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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