Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Randomize
