the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Apparently you make a good broom.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
