How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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