before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
