I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
