Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
