so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
