I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
