I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
