I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
