my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Girls should come with a carfax report
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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