my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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