just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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