She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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