John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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