I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
