And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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