If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
