In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
