"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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