this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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