Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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