at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
