my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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