Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
